NeerTards

Yew knowd, I been athinkin lately bout a serious problem on thiz here planet. And no, it ain't global warmin. Itz a plague aheckuva lot worser. Any of yew member back durin proheebition when yew cudn't git a legal drink and they come up with that stuff called NeerBeer, well thare iz sumthin like that that walks our planet everday: NeerTards. Now these ain't the sweet folks that we knowd as reetarded, the ones in the special lympics and all. They iz alwayz happy to see yew and will love on yew and all. I am a talkin bout that group of people who falls tween bout 70 and 90 on the IQ scale. The ones bout ten points above Forrest Gump and ten points below Pat Sajak or any uther game show host. The ones who knowd to git outta the rain, but don't knowd to roll up the winder after they done got outta the rain. The ones that iz able to roam the streets renderin thare nonsensical crapola on us all. Plus they iz allowed to procreate and that iz sumthin they do with great ability. Plus they iz allowed to vote, and well, that's how yew git Nancy Pelosi as Speaker of the House.

A Point to Ponder

Yew can't win the Kentucky Derby ridin a jackass.

A lil tune fer ninelvira

ninelvira, ninelvira
My heart's iz done on fire
ninelvira
Eyes that look like heaven, lips like evercleer wine
That girl can shure enuff make ole Goob's lite shine
I get a funny feelin' up and down my spine
'Cause I know that my ninelvira's mine

I'm singin' ninelvira, ninelvira
My heart's iz done on fire, ninelvira
Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow
Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow
Heigh-ho Silver, away

Tonight I'm gonna meet her at the Cactus Cafe
And I'm gonna give her all the love I can, yes I am
She's gonna jump and holler
'Cause I saved up my last two dollars
We're gonna search and find that preecher man

Now I'm a singin' ninelvira, ninelvira
My heart's on fire ninelvira
Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow
Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow
Heigh-ho Silver, awayninelvira, ninelvira

My heart's on fire ninelvira
Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow
Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow
Heigh-ho Silver, awayninelvira,

Yeah...ninelviraMy heart's on fire ninelvira
Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow
Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow
Heigh-ho Silver, awayninelvira, Yeah...ninelvira
My heart's on fire ninelvira...

Dear ninelvira

Dear ninelvira,

Iz yew gonna dress up fer Hallerween or iz yew jest gonna go with the same git up yew alwayz wear? I iz thinkin bout goin as a pirate, yew knowd, with the boat oar and all. Duz yew grow more powerful with yur powers the closer it gits to Hallerween? Anywayz I iz available to go trick or treatin with yew if yew iz available.

Church Signs

Yew knowd, one of the more facinatin thangs to me iz the lil messages on church signs. I mean, thare iz the attempt at bein funny ones, like "CH_RCH, the only thang that iz missin iz U" or "Seven days without Prayer makes one Weak." Or the obvious ones, like "God iz only a prayer away." Or the ones designed to git yew good and skeered, like "Turn or Burn" or " If yew keep on lyin, yew will soon be fryin!" Don't that jest make yew want fer Sunday to git here sooner rather than later? Who iz these designed fer? Iz these intended to help folk find the Lord or iz they designed to entertain the chosen? Whatever the intent, pleaze quit, it iz too painful to look at. And these are the same folks who iz atryin to do skool as well. Ain't church hard enuff? Why double up on doin thangs poorly in two realms? Oh well, itz a free country after all. Git them letters and sign away!!!

WEEK SEVEN GBOPOW

Well, we have done got our first non-human player of the week. Thiz here lil feller deserves it cuz he has more courage than any lil thang I ever did see. Jest after TE done throwed a TD pass he come off the field a shakin hiz head and squirtin water in hiz ear and sorta doin an old skool break dance without rollin round on the ground. Whut happened? Well, yur Boat Oar Player of the Week had done flown rite into hiz ear. I don't knowd whut kind of bug it wuz, but after a valiant struggle he must have either drownd or been knocked out after TE done hit one of them Brookesmith fellers. I don't the creedentials either of the bug. I don't knowd if he wuz D1 material or even if he played in high skool or church skool, course he cud have been home skooled cuz he didn't have the good sense to stay outta ole TE's earhole.

WEEK SIX GBOPOW

Thiz week the Boat Oar player of the week iz the whole Veribest team, coaches and community. Played hard till the end and will jest git better each year. Plus, yew ain't aplayin the victim. Good luck tonite and the rest of the year.

Everbody iz a victim

Yew knowd, I have been accused of writin, directin and starrin in a soap operie. Well, it jest ends here concernin southern Concho Co. The whole reason I ever got on the dang Koran of Sixmanfootball wuz to counteract the woe iz me victim playin goin on. Yew knowd, I iz well acquainted with playin the victim myself. I done did it fer bout three years. Sittin and lookin out the winder and feelin sorry for myself. Jest thinkin bout it makes me wanna throw up rite now. Poor ole Goob, the whole world iz gainst me. Last year they wuz all the playin the victim thang and it jest makes me sick. Thiz whole dang country duz. People, life iz hard and when yew finally figger that out and quit yur dang whinin yew will be a heck of alot better off. Did yew hear any whinin from El Paso or Happy Hill or Veribest. Nope, not a whimper. So I iz done with southern Concho Co. They reely ain't worth mentionin cuz they iz too busy bein victimized.

Will Coach Fontana have enuff fellers to play

Word iz that sum of them Eden boys done quit the team. I guess they ain't into stealin tp to avoid playin richland thiz year. They jest quit period. Will they have enuff to play come Nov. 2? My guess iz no. They will not play. Guess ole Fontana and I will havta have a celebrity boxin match instead.

Overstimerlated

Yew knowd, over the last few days I been areadin stuff in the Koran of Sixmanfootball and I have done got myself overstimerlated. Jest the thought of the Frost Polar Bears goin to sixman has done sent me over the edge. And who can fergit the witty back and forth of The Coffee Shop. And fer downrite, pure, unadulterated joy the musins of MetroEagles can't be beat.

Free at last, free at last

In honor of ole Edenecho, echo, echo let me jest say that freedom iz a wonderful thang. Fer a second I done thought that she wuz gonna break out in a moderfied rendition of MLK's famous speech with a few changes: Goob iz gone, Goob iz gone, thank God Almighty, Goob iz gone. Well, it iz fer yew lil lady that I done moved my bullying, badgerin, and baitin over here to thiz here blog. Baitin iz one of my favrite thangs in the world. I am partial to hellgrammites, how bout yew?

www.sixmanfootball.com: The Koran of Sixman football

Well, it done seems that our beloved dubya dubya dudya sixmanfootball dot com has done been took over by the funnydamnmentalists. The site has done been hijackified by terrorists who baited and bullied and badgered ole Granger to death so he didn't have no recourse but to delete, delete, delete ole Goob. Ole Granger iz being held hostage by church skoolers, Edenites, Bradychellians, the ACLU, the Travis County Democratic Party headquarters, FT14 and a whole dang host of peckerwoods that got the sense of a rodeo clown at a tea party. Let us all bow our heads and pray fer ole Granger. And in the words of our Lord remember that the truth will done set yew free.

In uther news, here's a big ole shout out to ninelvira. Yew stir me. Here's the last lil ditty I done wrote in her honor before I had my boat oar sawed off:

Dear ninelvira,

Yur powers iz reely gittin to me. I can't think bout nuthin but love. In fact, I gotz to thinkin bout all them poor ole country fellers who done got rejected by eHarmony. So I am proposin a new site fer them fellers and the gals who loves em: eHominy.com. Yew cud give lessons to the gals on fashion tips and how cast spells on thare feller. I cud see if Matahari90210 cud give the fellers lessons from that Kamer Sutrie book that hiz people iz so famous fer. Letz jest say they will be aputtin the dot in eHominy.com. I even got a test number up fer fellers to call to see the interest level: 1-800-HEI-FERS, that's 1-800-H-E-I-F-E-R-S.